I'm feeling a bit cross with myself for posting the below. But please to everyone reading this it was not meant for anyone in specific and I'm not here to hurt peoples feelings. I guess, just accept it as it is... My feelings.

Just a thought

Okay, so only my fellow infertile buddies will understand and also know exactly what I’m on about. Everyone else will probably just take this personally. Tough… this is my blog!

Don’t you just love it when people become all sensitive because you don’t want to be around their children all the time! Almost like you don’t care about them enough to want to see them every single day. It’s your child, raise it, why should I take on that responsibility? I don’t want to talk about babies 24/7. I don’t want to hear about all the cute things they are getting up to all the time. Don’t get me wrong I do indulge and I do love the updates. Here’s what I think I’m getting at. There are 5 adults sitting in a lounge and one baby on the lounge floor playing. 90% of the conversation will be about that child. “Look, she’s trying to pick up a block” “Aw, look she just blinked” “Don’t you just love it when they blink” “I remember when my child….” – BORING people. And I’m not saying that we should all talk about world economics or global warming or the financial dilemma this world is facing.

Now talking about babies and talking about trying to have a baby is two very different things. And I can understand that some people, okay most people get bored with my conversation too. But I don’t get all sensitive when you don’t want to see me all the time because of it. I’ve lost 3 babies and do you honestly think that I really want to talk about stuff like that ??????? well yes but not for hours on end!!!

Tit bits

Oh my word. Blogging really has taken the back burner for a while now. Just haven’t had time really. Plus I’ve also been off work due to a fantastic stomach bug. Not complaining though. Lost 2kg’s in 2 days from it, and I still haven’t picked it up!! Goodie!!!

I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas time. I’ve almost finished my Christmas shopping. Just one more pressie left to buy. Only buying for the kids this year. So that makes it a really cheap Christmas (haha – says me – hubby is buying a TV cabernet, plasma and surround sound – grand total … don’t want to scare you all so i'm let to add my bit too) as there are only 3 kiddies to buy for in CT, my two god kids and my cousins little girl. But girls are so easy to buy for so that should be easy enough to come up with a great idea.
On the Christmas note. I found that wonderful tree that I was looking for and as you’ve guessed it’s up. Well it’s been up since about 15 November but hey, it was new and I had to put it up then. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!!!

On Saturday past we went to our god kids Christmas concert. It was so so sweet. I cried my eyes out when they were on stage. I was so so proud. They were very cute. Even though the little one (18 months) didn’t do anything except stand there and look at everyone, I was so proud. Felt like shouting from the roof tops saying “that’s my godson”.

And you know those Baby of Board signs you get for your car?? You know the yellow ones. Well I bought a Maltese Poodle on Board one. Figured seen as though I wasn’t gonna be getting a Baby on Board sticker in the near future I may as well have one with Poodle on Board – besides she is my baby princess dog!!!

I will be a good mother

There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money
or that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the
sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another
pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor,
friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time,
I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their
pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. ~Author Unknown

What's up

So what started off as a daily blog seems to now have turned into a weekly blog. You probably think its laziness. Well partly it is. But mostly it’s just that I’m not sure what to write about. I, unlike others, don’t have a very exciting job that allows me to go off to Venice and all those kinds of beautiful places *wink wink* *hint hint* - you know who you are right. Nope, I’m confined to a daily trip into Noordhoek. How bloody exciting is that!!

We had a very special little guest last night. She’s only 5 years old but what a smart child she is. “I” has been a big part of our lives since she was about 11 months old. I think that was when she had her first sleep over at our house. She’s my boss’s granddaughter, I take her to school in the mornings and I fetch her again in the afternoons. So as you can think we have loads of conversations in the car about all sorts of things. She once asked me how babies are born… well I opted to explain the cesarean section and figured her mom could explain the vaginal birth when she was a bit older. She was fascinated and asked me whether the doctor didn’t mind having blood on his hands (please note that I had made no mention of blood), I explained to her that if someone paid me the amount of money he gets paid to take the baby out of the mommies tummy then I’d also not care about the blood on my hands. She was happy with that answer. She also knows that I have lost my babies and it was nicely explained to her that they have gone to heaven. She often talks about them too. She even named them. The first one is called “Peggie legs” and the second one is “Flower”. She doesn’t know about the third one. The other day we were talking about Santa and she asked me if she should phone Santa and ask him if you could phone God and tell him that I’ve been a really good girl this year and maybe He’ll give me my babies back – I mean really, what do you say to that!

Not much else happening on the baby front. AF finally arrived, well sort of, two days of spotting so far so still waiting for it to come in full force. It will though! So no babies this month.

Some days are easier then others! It’s so weird to explain. Yesterday I wanted to phone my gynae and tell him that I’m starting with Clomid right away, I can’t wait anymore. Then A said that I’m overreacting. Which I probably was. Now today I’m totally fine with the whole idea of not being pregnant. In fact I’m dying to know when AF is gonna arrive. Today is CD28. NOTHING!! Nada fokol! So I guess my wishful thinking of a 28 day cycle this month, that has been blown out the window. Anyway!

On a lighter note. It’s almost that time of the year that we put the Christmas tree up. My tree usually goes up after Halloween. I just love it. I count the days before I can put it up. This year I’ve been very good. My tree is still in the wendy house. The only reason being is that I’m looking for a bigger one. When the hell do the shops start selling them??? And where the hell can I find a really beautiful big one??? Anyone???

Back from Johannesburg

Well I’m back from Johannesburg, wow what a week. I’m actually still recovering. It usually takes me about a week to adjust from it. Late nights, great food and fantastic people. I must make a special mention to Wang Thai on Sandton Square. Sorry Julian if we messed up the restaurant to much. But hey your chocolate mousse is better on the skin and hair then in the belly… Don’t ask!!! And thanks to the Shitty Lodge on Grayston for stuffing up our room order. We ordered a twin room but we got gifted a lovely room with one double bed. Therefore T and I had to cuddle for a whole 4 nights. Sucks man it sucks!! You know when you have to share a bed with your colleague and you actually can’t sleep cause you’re scared you’ll roll over and really cuddle her. Well that was my problem. I think I got about 4 hours sleep the whole week. But in those 4 hours poor T couldn’t sleep cause I was snoring… Hey, I was sick with the flu, what am I supposed to do??

Then on Saturday I met some really amazing women. These are the ladies who have helped me get through so much in my life. They are the special ladies from H24 and OPM. You guys are the best and I really wouldn’t have been able to get through this all without your support. It was great putting names to faces at last. As for the Jagerbombs!! Well that’s another story. Like Joni put it. The next time Mugg and Bean have a group booking of women, they’re first gonna ask if we’re infertile before they actually book us. Banana 101... and that's all I'm saying. But it’s all good!

On the present day. I’ve started gym again. We’ll see how long it lasts this time. We’re going in the mornings now so it’s much better. Oh and I’m having some AF cramps today and yesterday so here’s to hoping I’m gonna have a 28 day cycle this month. Hold thumbs ladies.

So this week I’m off to Johannesburg for Winex. It’s a wine convention that is held at the Sandton Convention Center where most of the wine farms in the country gather and show their wines. Everyone is welcome to come through to taste all of these magnificent wines!! Especially ours. As most of you know I work on a wine farm. Don’t get jealous, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. People seem to think that if you work on a wine farm you drink wine all day and just relax in the sun. NO NO NO!! You’ll be sad to know that we actually do work. And it’s hard work. I’m the PA to the owner and Winemaker, I also help out in the finance department. But I can say that I work with an amazing group of people. So I’m off to Johannesburg and I have a bit of a chest infection. Gross it’s disgusting. To everyone that’s had bronchitis before you’ll know the first tell tale signs when you have that heavy cough and you taste that disgusting metallic shit!! That’s what I have. But I’m not gonna even give it the energy to say that I fear I might have bronchitis.

So Winex JHB is mostly fun, but also tiring, normally I need about a week to recover. We work hard and play hard. After Winex we usually go out for dinner to some of the top restaurants. My personal fav has got to be Wang Thai in Sandton Square. I just love their sweet and sour pork. Julian if you’re reading this best you give me discount for the free advertising… hehehehe.

Anyhow, I’ll probably not be posting on my blog for a few days, I might find time and I might now. Lets see.

To my friends in the computer, I’ll see you on Saturday!!!!

I’m not sure how many of you believe in the after life and reincarnation and connecting with the other side. Well I’m one of those people who does. Don’t get me wrong, I deeply believe in God and I know that he exists. But I also know that there is more to living then just life and death. I believe that when one dies the soul still exists. It doesn’t just die off with the vessel it was using while here on earth. And I believe that God won’t judge me for believing this. I grew up in a very strict Christian home (more when I lived with my grandparents) and this kid of hocus pocus stuff as they would refer it to would be sure condemn you to an after life in hell. Bull shit I say!!! We are human and God created us to have a mind and to explore all the possibilities out there. Which is why I know that when my dad died it was only the vessel that died and not his soul. I’ve had many conversations with my father through a medium, who just happens to be my mother-in-law. Normally he brings me messages of encouragement and healing and just a general hello, you’re gonna be okay. My mother also comes through occasionally but my father is the one who does most of the communicating. Today I got another message. This time it wasn’t through me father, this time it came from someone really special. It came from my very own Guide. We all have Guides out there watching over us. Some refer to them as guardian angels. We refer to them as Guides. My message was that the reason I’m feeling so frustrated is because I’m not following the path that I need to be for this reincarnation. In this life I’m meant to be exploring my creative side and of late I’ve kinda left it on the back burner. So I ask you, what should I do to encourage my creative side?? Well I’ll tell you… I’m writing a book! Yip, if someone told me 6 years ago that I’d be writing a book I’d laugh at them. I sucked at writing at school and I only ever read a book if it was a set book for school. Most of the set books had movies on them too so I often used to opt for the movie rather then the book. It’s only been since I’ve moved to Cape Town that I’ve started reading, and trust me I’m a really slow reader. My friends T and K often tease me about this as we like to share books every now and then and I take forever to get through one. My friend K eats books for breakfast. I’ve never met such a fast reader in all my life. So my dears that’s what I’m gonna focus on. I probably will never publish the book as my writing skills are much to be desired. But if I do I’ll have to get a ghost writer in to help me. Can you imagine me being a famous book writer – watch out Jodi Picoult here come Nix!!!

It's all for the birds you know!

So my hubby has become a little bit of a birdie. His “boss” is also a birdie and he has loads of knowledge when it comes to different birds and the different noises. He can actually identify a bird just by it’s chirp. Quiet amazing to watch. I’m also sort of taken a little interest in it and I’ve learnt a few things. For example did you know that the first bird to sing in the morning and the last to sing at night is called an Olive Thrush?? Pretty impressive hey. And did you know that you don’t just get Franklins, no no, there are different kinds of Franklins one is called the Natal Franklin, it looks the same as the normal Cape Franklin except it is easily identified by it’s distinctive orange legs! See told you I was also birdie (well I’m trying). He he, well it’s fun. So this weekend we’ve decided to buy a bird bath and feeder for our garden. Can you see it, imagine A and I sitting in the study window with our binoculars, bird book and of course our paper and pencil to write down the bird we’ve just spotted. Okay, it’s not gonna be that bad, but it’s still gonna be fun.

Having a bad day!!!

I am such a waste of skin… I’m fat, I can’t stick to a diet or exercise programme. I can’t bare children. What am I even here for?? To experience all the shit life has to throw at me?? Well go ahead life, give it your best shot. Kick me while I’m down!!! Pour salt into my open wounds!!!

Weekend away - Just what I needed!

So we decided to go away this weekend past. Just what the doctor ordered. Some time out to think of nothing else except the next glass of wine. Oh and when to light the next cigarette. And the occasional thought of whether we should swim again or not. Real brain dead stuff!!! It was fantastic. We were gonna ruff it. So the only way I know best is to go camping. Although now a days camping is almost as luxurious as staying at home. Fancy blow up mattresses, down duvets and winter sheets. Bliss. But I didn’t say I was gonna ruff it to much.
I was left the one morning to cook my own cheese griller on the braai, I felt like a real super hero. I can survive in the wild. All alone in the wild… nah, who the hell am I kidding right – I would go crazy. On Saturday night a cat got into one of the bins outside our tent and I nearly soiled my panties. I was convinced it was some serial killer. I quickly woke A up, it took longer then I thought, and told him that there was someone outside. Then he wants to go outside and check, where men get their bravery is beyond me. I first begged him not to, and then he convinced me that he’d only peek out the tent. I was happy with that. I’m sitting there scared out of my socks, sweat running down my face almost and he shines the torch in the direction of the noise, A then took pleasure in telling me that it was only a cat and told me to have a look. It was such a cute little cat. Stupid thing was nearly the cause of us cutting the weekend short cause A would have rushed me to the nearest hospital for a possible heart attack. Anyway, alls well that ends well. I was safe and my darling A saved the day. We’re home safe and I’ve got the scars to prove that I went. I’m covered in mozzie bites.
Note to self – just because you can cook a cheese griller on the fire doesn’t mean that you’re brave enough to live in the wild on your own.

Confessions of an infertile me!!

I’m having a bad time. I’m feeling angry with everyone and everything. My darling cousin (who I know didn’t mean to hurt me) asked me to help plan one of our other cousins baby shower and I just became selfish and thought WTF… I’ve just lost my baby and you want me to help plan someone else’s celebration of the birth of their little baby that didn’t die in them. FUUUCCCKKK!!! Anyway, if you knew me you’d know that I didn’t say anything to her. Then it dawned on me I’ve become a selfish, angry, bitter infertile. OMG, what have I turned into here??? Now I’m cross with myself. How could I let this happen? It’s almost like it happened over night. I honestly didn’t see this coming. I’m not the kind of person who would hate the fact that other people are happy and I’m not. Aren’t you meant to fall pregnant then 9 months later give birth??? Isn’t that the order of life??? Is my body honestly that fucked up and confused? It feels like I’m not even human anymore. Like I’m a robot that just wakes up, eats, goes to work and drinks hopeless amounts of wine and smokes to many cigarettes.

Anyway, I did eventually phone my cousin and tell her that I’m just not up to this baby shower thing and as I expected she completely understood. I think my fear of telling her this was that I’d be seen as a bitter women who’s just being childish. But she understood and she still loves me lots. Thank goodness!! One thing I did learn is that I actually don’t care what people think of me, this is me and this is what miscarriage after miscarriage has turned me into. I just hope that one day I snap out of it and in the mean time I truly hope that everyone understands why I’m feeling the way I am.

On a lighter note – Congrats Tertia. From on infertile to another!! Hope this one sticks. Isn’t it amazing that sex actually does result into pregnancy!!

Buckle up!!

On the subject of buckling your kids into car seats. This is something that pisses me off to no end. These parents drive around buckled up while there kids are jumping around in the back seat… What’s up with that? Another thing that I wish people would get into their heads is that it is physically impossible to keep hold of a child on your lap if you are involved in a car accident. I can understand that kids unbuckle themselves and that they scream their heads off when you buckle them in but for heaven’s sake, catch a wake up. There is no excuse why your children aren’t buckled in. if they don’t want to buckle up or stay buckled up then they must stay at home. When I was small my parents wouldn’t even start the car if I hadn’t buckled up and locked the door. I’m all for that. On most days I take my bosses granddaughter to school and I fetch her. Everyday I say to her she must buckle up, then I ask her why she must buckle up and everyday she’ll reply, “Because it’s the law and its safety first”. She’s 5 years old and for fuck’s sake she gets it. I’m even nervous when I travel with my dog in the car. I wish I could get her to sit with a seat belt on. Don’t think you get doggie seatbelt attachments for her size. I’ve seen them for bigger dogs but not little ones. (see pic of my furry baby)

Anyway, AF has now finished. And I’m kinda tempted to jump hubby the minute I see EWCM but I’m also to scared to. I know we might have a solution to the problem but it’s not a definite answer. It’s just gonna be another experiment to see if that won’t perhaps help.

In Memory of B!

Today is a sad day. Today I bury a really good friend. I’m not the only one who is feeling this pain of loss. There are hundreds of people who are feeling this pain. Her husband, her children, her grandchildren, her mother. And of course her friends. One thing B didn’t have a shortage of is friends. She was such a dynamic person and even though for the last year she’s been bed ridden due to loosing her mobility, she has always had a smile on her face and she never once complained about her situation. The cancer had completely taken over her body and her life. Yet she remained B!!! What a lovely soul we have lost. One that has touched so many peoples lives in so many different ways.

R.I.P B! I love you my friend and always will. Thanks for all the support you gave me in my fucked up journey. I love you!

Background on TTC

We’ve been TTC (trying to conceive) since March 2006. Finally fell pregnant in January 2007. We were over the moon. We went for our first scan at 7 weeks and we had a beautiful little blob with a heartbeat. When we went back for our 11 week check, the blob no longer had a heartbeat. We’d lost the baby.

We started trying again right away and finally fell pregnant in January 2008. Once again we were over the moon, but this time we were a bit nervous. We decided to only go for our first scan at 9 weeks. When we got there the pregnancy was only 4 weeks. 3 days later I started spotting and was put onto bed rest for 2 weeks. The spotting got worse and I was rushed to hospital when I started cramping. Turned out it was a Blighted Ovum (A blighted ovum (also known as “anembryonic pregnancy”) happens when a fertilized egg attaches itself to the uterine wall, but the embryo does not develop. Cells develop to form the pregnancy sac, but not the embryo itself.). Shit luck hey… Well it’s not over.

We once again started right away and fell pregnant very quickly. I fell pregnant in June 2008. I still say it’s thanks to Metformin. Anyhow, we were less excited this time. Well I was at least. I was sicker then I’d ever been before in my life. Morning sickness is the pits. Although all these signs were encouraging, I still didn’t want to get my hopes up. We went for our 6 week scan and there was a tiny little heartbeat – Yippee! 8 week scan – another stronger heartbeat – sigh!! 11 week scan, another heartbeat – even bigger sign. 12 week scan – another dead baby!!! We’d lost baby number 3. Well I’d lost it, I keep blaming myself, which I know I shouldn’t, but it was my body that had failed us after all.

My hubby A as been fantastic through this all. He’s supported me 100% and has always been there for me. I’m the luckiest women in the world!!

Anyway, I’ve had all the tests known to mankind and there is no medical explanation as to why I’m miscarrying all the time. There is not much we can do. I have however spoken to my gynae, who’s in turn sought out the advice from his other colleagues and he’s decided that the next step would have to be Clexane. It’s a blood thinning injection that I’ll have to administer every day for 9 months into my stomach. Hell’s bells. I’m in, I’ll try anything.

So here I am. I'd heard of Blogs in the past, obviously, but I was never really sure what they were. I'm still not really sure, but I'm sure I'll find my feet here very soon. I'd like to share my journey of hope, love and failure...
I'll probably become a little addict here, I must admit I was one of those people who couldn't stop checking Facebook when it first started. Yip, I was a Facebook Addict. Now it's changed, I'm finding myself more and more on Infertility Sites, Googling all kinds of weird and wonderful gynecological things and I'm sadly even a regular on a pregnancy site. Not that there's a bun in the oven (I wish), but because I've been there. I will give you a full rundown of my TTC story in the next blog.
I like the chapter in Tertia Albertyn’s book - So Close called "My friends in the Computer", that's what you've all been to me and I'm so grateful and blessed to have met you all. I love you guys so much. Thanks for the support over the years ladies. And to my three Angels in heaven, you will always be a big part of my life and of my story.