I’m having a bad time. I’m feeling angry with everyone and everything. My darling cousin (who I know didn’t mean to hurt me) asked me to help plan one of our other cousins baby shower and I just became selfish and thought WTF… I’ve just lost my baby and you want me to help plan someone else’s celebration of the birth of their little baby that didn’t die in them. FUUUCCCKKK!!! Anyway, if you knew me you’d know that I didn’t say anything to her. Then it dawned on me I’ve become a selfish, angry, bitter infertile. OMG, what have I turned into here??? Now I’m cross with myself. How could I let this happen? It’s almost like it happened over night. I honestly didn’t see this coming. I’m not the kind of person who would hate the fact that other people are happy and I’m not. Aren’t you meant to fall pregnant then 9 months later give birth??? Isn’t that the order of life??? Is my body honestly that fucked up and confused? It feels like I’m not even human anymore. Like I’m a robot that just wakes up, eats, goes to work and drinks hopeless amounts of wine and smokes to many cigarettes.
Anyway, I did eventually phone my cousin and tell her that I’m just not up to this baby shower thing and as I expected she completely understood. I think my fear of telling her this was that I’d be seen as a bitter women who’s just being childish. But she understood and she still loves me lots. Thank goodness!! One thing I did learn is that I actually don’t care what people think of me, this is me and this is what miscarriage after miscarriage has turned me into. I just hope that one day I snap out of it and in the mean time I truly hope that everyone understands why I’m feeling the way I am.
On a lighter note – Congrats Tertia. From on infertile to another!! Hope this one sticks. Isn’t it amazing that sex actually does result into pregnancy!!
Anyway, I did eventually phone my cousin and tell her that I’m just not up to this baby shower thing and as I expected she completely understood. I think my fear of telling her this was that I’d be seen as a bitter women who’s just being childish. But she understood and she still loves me lots. Thank goodness!! One thing I did learn is that I actually don’t care what people think of me, this is me and this is what miscarriage after miscarriage has turned me into. I just hope that one day I snap out of it and in the mean time I truly hope that everyone understands why I’m feeling the way I am.
On a lighter note – Congrats Tertia. From on infertile to another!! Hope this one sticks. Isn’t it amazing that sex actually does result into pregnancy!!
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