There are women that become mothers without effort,
without thought, without patience or loss and though
they are good mothers and love their children,
I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money
or that I have read more books but because I have
struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have
appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the
sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him
and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another
pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense that God has given me this insight,
this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,
I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.
I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor,
friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.
I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time,
I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their
pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,
of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother. ~Author Unknown
Thursday, November 13, 2008
What's up
So what started off as a daily blog seems to now have turned into a weekly blog. You probably think its laziness. Well partly it is. But mostly it’s just that I’m not sure what to write about. I, unlike others, don’t have a very exciting job that allows me to go off to Venice and all those kinds of beautiful places *wink wink* *hint hint* - you know who you are right. Nope, I’m confined to a daily trip into Noordhoek. How bloody exciting is that!!
We had a very special little guest last night. She’s only 5 years old but what a smart child she is. “I” has been a big part of our lives since she was about 11 months old. I think that was when she had her first sleep over at our house. She’s my boss’s granddaughter, I take her to school in the mornings and I fetch her again in the afternoons. So as you can think we have loads of conversations in the car about all sorts of things. She once asked me how babies are born… well I opted to explain the cesarean section and figured her mom could explain the vaginal birth when she was a bit older. She was fascinated and asked me whether the doctor didn’t mind having blood on his hands (please note that I had made no mention of blood), I explained to her that if someone paid me the amount of money he gets paid to take the baby out of the mommies tummy then I’d also not care about the blood on my hands. She was happy with that answer. She also knows that I have lost my babies and it was nicely explained to her that they have gone to heaven. She often talks about them too. She even named them. The first one is called “Peggie legs” and the second one is “Flower”. She doesn’t know about the third one. The other day we were talking about Santa and she asked me if she should phone Santa and ask him if you could phone God and tell him that I’ve been a really good girl this year and maybe He’ll give me my babies back – I mean really, what do you say to that!
Not much else happening on the baby front. AF finally arrived, well sort of, two days of spotting so far so still waiting for it to come in full force. It will though! So no babies this month.
We had a very special little guest last night. She’s only 5 years old but what a smart child she is. “I” has been a big part of our lives since she was about 11 months old. I think that was when she had her first sleep over at our house. She’s my boss’s granddaughter, I take her to school in the mornings and I fetch her again in the afternoons. So as you can think we have loads of conversations in the car about all sorts of things. She once asked me how babies are born… well I opted to explain the cesarean section and figured her mom could explain the vaginal birth when she was a bit older. She was fascinated and asked me whether the doctor didn’t mind having blood on his hands (please note that I had made no mention of blood), I explained to her that if someone paid me the amount of money he gets paid to take the baby out of the mommies tummy then I’d also not care about the blood on my hands. She was happy with that answer. She also knows that I have lost my babies and it was nicely explained to her that they have gone to heaven. She often talks about them too. She even named them. The first one is called “Peggie legs” and the second one is “Flower”. She doesn’t know about the third one. The other day we were talking about Santa and she asked me if she should phone Santa and ask him if you could phone God and tell him that I’ve been a really good girl this year and maybe He’ll give me my babies back – I mean really, what do you say to that!
Not much else happening on the baby front. AF finally arrived, well sort of, two days of spotting so far so still waiting for it to come in full force. It will though! So no babies this month.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Some days are easier then others! It’s so weird to explain. Yesterday I wanted to phone my gynae and tell him that I’m starting with Clomid right away, I can’t wait anymore. Then A said that I’m overreacting. Which I probably was. Now today I’m totally fine with the whole idea of not being pregnant. In fact I’m dying to know when AF is gonna arrive. Today is CD28. NOTHING!! Nada fokol! So I guess my wishful thinking of a 28 day cycle this month, that has been blown out the window. Anyway!On a lighter note. It’s almost that time of the year that we put the Christmas tree up. My tree usually goes up after Halloween. I just love it. I count the days before I can put it up. This year I’ve been very good. My tree is still in the wendy house. The only reason being is that I’m looking for a bigger one. When the hell do the shops start selling them??? And where the hell can I find a really beautiful big one??? Anyone???
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Back from Johannesburg
Well I’m back from Johannesburg, wow what a week. I’m actually still recovering. It usually takes me about a week to adjust from it. Late nights, great food and fantastic people. I must make a special mention to Wang Thai on Sandton Square. Sorry Julian if we messed up the restaurant to much. But hey your chocolate mousse is better on the skin and hair then in the belly… Don’t ask!!! And thanks to the Shitty Lodge on Grayston for stuffing up our room order. We ordered a twin room but we got gifted a lovely room with one double bed. Therefore T and I had to cuddle for a whole 4 nights. Sucks man it sucks!! You know when you have to share a bed with your colleague and you actually can’t sleep cause you’re scared you’ll roll over and really cuddle her. Well that was my problem. I think I got about 4 hours sleep the whole week. But in those 4 hours poor T couldn’t sleep cause I was snoring… Hey, I was sick with the flu, what am I supposed to do??
Then on Sa
turday I met some really amazing women. These are the ladies who have helped me get through so much in my life. They are the special ladies from H24 and OPM. You guys are the best and I really wouldn’t have been able to get through this all without your support. It was great putting names to faces at last. As for the Jagerbombs!! Well that’s another story. Like Joni put it. The next time Mugg and Bean have a group booking of women, they’re first gonna ask if we’re infertile before they actually book us. Banana 101... and that's all I'm saying. But it’s all good!
On the present day. I’ve started gym again. We’ll see how long it lasts this time. We’re going in the mornings now so it’s much better. Oh and I’m having some AF cramps today and yesterday so here’s to hoping I’m gonna have a 28 day cycle this month. Hold thumbs ladies.
turday I met some really amazing women. These are the ladies who have helped me get through so much in my life. They are the special ladies from H24 and OPM. You guys are the best and I really wouldn’t have been able to get through this all without your support. It was great putting names to faces at last. As for the Jagerbombs!! Well that’s another story. Like Joni put it. The next time Mugg and Bean have a group booking of women, they’re first gonna ask if we’re infertile before they actually book us. Banana 101... and that's all I'm saying. But it’s all good!On the present day. I’ve started gym again. We’ll see how long it lasts this time. We’re going in the mornings now so it’s much better. Oh and I’m having some AF cramps today and yesterday so here’s to hoping I’m gonna have a 28 day cycle this month. Hold thumbs ladies.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
